| I believe I developed codependent behaviors to | | | | idea where my personal boundaries ended and |
| cope with my father's drinking, which resulted in | | | | other persons began. Finally, I maintained silence |
| constant fighting between my father and mother | | | | when conflict arose for up to a week until one of |
| for twenty years until they divorced. I never felt | | | | my partners said, "We need to talk." |
| safe to express my thoughts and feelings so I | | | | I began my recovery in the late 80's when my |
| retreated inward and became invisible, the lost | | | | partner mentioned seeing a therapist for healing |
| child. I wore a stoic stone face as a mask as if I | | | | her inner child. I read John Bradshaw, |
| were okay. My heart also became as numb as a | | | | "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your |
| stone. | | | | Inner Child" and Melody Beattie, "Codependent No |
| It as been said a codependent has a compulsive | | | | More." |
| need to control an otherwise out of control life. | | | | I recognized my codependency and for the next |
| This may be true as I experienced an out of | | | | twenty years became less and less codependent. |
| control family life because of the unpredictability | | | | Like other addictions you may be in recovery for |
| of my fathers drinking and anger outbursts. I | | | | the rest of your life. I, however, am no longer |
| took control by withdrawing and numbing all my | | | | codependent. |
| feelings. I hid my thoughts even from my mother | | | | I can see codependency as an addiction because I |
| who assumed I was okay because I never | | | | relied on my female partners to feel for me |
| expressed anything. | | | | rather than knowing and expressing my own |
| I always felt ashamed of my family and my | | | | feelings. Codependents crave and expect a |
| fathers drinking. I felt so bad I didn't even want to | | | | temporary boost of their self-esteem when they |
| have the family name. I also identified with two | | | | care take some need for their partner. Like any |
| other boys' at school who also had alcoholic | | | | addiction the outer boost only lasts for a short |
| fathers. | | | | time and then the codependent looks for another |
| As an adult, my relationships involved | | | | fix. |
| codependent behaviors, which I remained unaware | | | | I now love myself, I accept others as they are, I |
| of until my early 40's. In these relationships, I | | | | am in touch with and express my feelings, I |
| avoided expressing any feelings for fear of | | | | validate myself rather than searching outside |
| rejection. The women in my life criticized me for | | | | myself for a relationship to feel okay, and I trust |
| lack of feeling. I felt like something was wrong | | | | trustworthy people. Most important, I am in a |
| with me. I questioned if I even had the capacity | | | | relationship, which allows me to grow into all I am |
| to love. | | | | capable of being. |
| In addition, I tended to take care of my partners | | | | (c) Copyright - Michael David Lawrience. All Rights |
| financial needs even though they were not my | | | | Reserved Worldwide. |
| responsibility. I had poor boundaries as I had no | | | | |