| Anger is complex, but it isn't rocket science... | | | | and let go of the thoughts. The thoughts come |
| Anger can be described as a complex of | | | | back; we breathe and let go again. We re-fortify |
| thoughts, feelings and urges that show up when | | | | our commitment to stay present with the |
| things don't go our way. It's pretty simple to | | | | immediacy of our experience... for as long as it |
| understand; we just want to be happy. | | | | takes. In reality, we are teaching ourselves on the |
| Unfortunately, we believe our happiness is | | | | spot, using our own natural warmth, intelligence |
| contingent on things turning out according to our | | | | and compassion. Slowly, the feeling passes, we |
| likes. Problem is, everyone else feels the same | | | | put the cap on the toothpaste and get on with |
| way. But what's wrong with wanting things our | | | | our lives. Sometime later, we discover our mate |
| way? Well as it turns out, quite a lot. Bare with | | | | has become more considerate, warmer and |
| me here and think about this idea: suffering | | | | happier. This isn't rocket science... but, it is hard |
| results from not liking what we have and from | | | | work, because it flies in the face of what we |
| wanting what we don't have. It's a little nugget of | | | | believe is right. |
| wisdom that's pretty hard to disagree with. But | | | | It still doesn't seem "fair"... |
| how can we be happy with what we have and | | | | Although we may have toughed it through the |
| lose our attachment for wanting things to be | | | | above scenario, we're still plagued with a sinking |
| different? | | | | sense that we're doing all the work and it's not |
| It's all about wanting things to be different... | | | | fair. Why does he get off Scot-free? Doesn't this |
| In an interesting way, working with anger puts us | | | | mean, he's won and I've lost? Again... all this stuff |
| in direct contact with this red-hot urge to have it | | | | is extra meaning we've attributed to the situation |
| our way. The only way to work with this urge is | | | | based on past experience. If you grew up with a |
| to experience it in broad daylight, to come face | | | | critical or abusive parent, you may have learned |
| to face with it's attachment to outcome and | | | | that anything less than perfection is wrong, and |
| gently ease into the exploration of coming to | | | | you're bad for being imperfect. We carry these |
| know the true nature of 'wanting', itself. | | | | unconscious beliefs into relationships, but they |
| Fortunately, the experience of anger willingly | | | | aren't truth and furthermore, they carry within |
| supplies us with all of this. | | | | them seeds of suffering. Therefore, staying with |
| How we get triggered... | | | | angry feelings has the effect of tapping into old |
| Imagine this scenario... we see our mate has just | | | | familiar feelings that are painful, scary and |
| left the cap off the toothpaste, yet again. Here | | | | sometimes traumatic. You'll recognize that the |
| comes the surge and we move into full-blown | | | | anger has been a strategy to avoid going to this |
| red-faced anger in a split second. We're pummeled | | | | very place. |
| with thoughts that rapid fire like an AK-47: | | | | Ending suffering at the source.... |
| thoughts about inconsideration, rudeness, | | | | Now is your chance to heal suffering at the core. |
| thoughtlessness, stupidity; ideas about his plausible | | | | Feel it fully, let it wash over you, let it move you |
| negative intentions and passive-aggressiveness; | | | | and shake you up. Recognize this feeling is the |
| memories about all of the past transgressions; | | | | way you've learned to protect yourself from |
| self-righteous indignation and feelings... really bad | | | | overbearing caregivers; at least being angry kept |
| feelings. All of this happens so fast, we find | | | | you safe from feeling rejected, abandoned and |
| ourselves moving into action before the dust | | | | alone. Allow this growing sense of understanding |
| settles. Later, we console ourselves with the idea | | | | and compassion for yourself ventilate the |
| that the other has made us angry. If he had | | | | atmosphere and bring fresh air and spaciousness |
| simply conformed to our standards, we wouldn't | | | | to your experience. Recognize your parents did |
| have to feel this way. What's the matter with | | | | the best they could with the skills and resources |
| him? | | | | available to them at the time. Let forgiveness, |
| What part of this is do I own... | | | | empathy and healing widen the space even more. |
| Perhaps a better question, or at least a question | | | | Next time you swing into unconscious anger, you'll |
| more likely to have an answer is, "what's the | | | | notice that there's more time between stimulus |
| matter with me". How did all this energy arise | | | | and response, the space is wider, newfound |
| from simply seeing toothpaste without a cap? | | | | kindness and a sense of the bigger picture show |
| How did this uncomplicated visual wind up having | | | | up. As you continue practicing this skill, one day |
| so much extra meaning? Well, although not | | | | you'll look back and notice small things no longer |
| always so obvious, the extra meaning comes | | | | bother you. You've changed, softened, and grown |
| from the thinking mind. The nature and flavor of | | | | up. And, all this from a toothpaste cap! |
| your particular meaning comes from your | | | | How therapy can help... |
| personal experience... from birth onward. Since | | | | Learn to experience angry feelings without |
| there's not much we can do about changing past | | | | suppressing, repressing or acting out. |
| experience, the logical place to work is with | | | | Understand the nature of triggering events |
| changing our relationship with past experience. So, | | | | and end the tug of war with anger. |
| how might this work? | | | | Separate thoughts from feelings. |
| Working with angry thoughts and feelings.. | | | | Develop tolerance under fire. |
| Imagine the same scenario again, but this time | | | | Replace habitual behaviors with flexible |
| fortified with the willingness to stay with the heat | | | | intentional actions. |
| and urgency of anger, without suppressing, | | | | Cultivate willingness, patience, compassion and |
| denying or acting out. We see the cap off the | | | | forgiveness. |
| toothpaste and the full catastrophe kicks into | | | | Therapy can help you work with unwanted |
| action. But this time, we catch ourselves in action; | | | | emotions without letting them rule your life. By |
| we observe our thoughts and see them for what | | | | slowing down your ordinary process and looking |
| they are. They are just part of a pattern we | | | | closely at the places you feel stuck, you can |
| enact when faced with painful feelings. We gently | | | | begin to unravel the fear and pain behind angry |
| tell ourselves we are "doing" our pattern; we | | | | emotions and behavior and move on with the |
| encourage ourselves to hold our seat and just | | | | creative business of living your life. |
| stay. We breathe deeply into our felt body sense | | | | |